my co-opted catch phrase

Obesity survivor. I'm having my t-shirt printed up next week with my new phrase emblazoned across the front. Obesity Survivor is how a former Biggest Loser contestant described himself and the current cast members of the show. I like it. It makes me feel like my own weight loss is more important that it really is.

See, I've been completely focused and dedicated to losing weight. I've tried and tried to write a dear john letter and distance myself from my one true love. Food. I love food. I love to eat. I watch the food network like it's porn. It's an addiction , of that I'm sure, but in my humble opinion there are a lot worse things I could be addicted too. Like crystal meth for instance, or black tar heroin. Yes, having an addiction to hard core drugs is a lot cooler, edgier and sexier, but I tend to lack all of those aforementioned qualities. Leave it to me to find the least cool thing in the world to admit being addicted to. But admit it I have and deal with it I must (I've channeled Yoda to give me my inner strength) To date the most amazing thing I've come to find, are the strong opinions weight lose fosters in other people. Everyone I'm even mildly acquainted with in my life has some feeling they just must must must express about it to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like compliments as much as the next person. I mean I'm only human and compliments sure do appeal to my vanity, but what I don't like is other people's unsolicited "sage" advice. Things said to me with such tender earnestness as the bestower of wisdom gently rests their hand on my shoulder and says: "Vegetables are key" "You need to hit the ole gym, you workin' out? How many reps you doin?" "Water. It tricks you into feeling full" "Castor oil, that's what my Nana always said." "For your height you should only lose X more lbs, and I should now I watch *a-lot* of people playing doctors on t.v."

In fact the most "sagest" of all advice was bestowed unto me not too long ago in a meeting with the human resources director and a shop steward, who dropped this little wisdom bomb on me: "are you sick? I mean you're losing a lot of weight. I don't know if anyone else cares enough to tell you this, but really you look fine enough. You don't need to lose anymore." Now keep in mind this was a meeting about work attendence. It seems the powers that be get a bit testy if you do things like not feel a 5 day work week is necassary every week, because sometimes it's fun to play hooky on a Friday. It's a routine thing I have to go through once every year because I feel entitled to more than 3 days off a year. Not an intervention. After a moment of stunned "are you fucking joking" silence, I informed my union rep and human resources director that I had a plan. A plan to lose so much weight I'd become "socialite" thin and then traverse the countryside eating my way back to a healthy weight, one all you can eat buffet at a time. Then it was their turn to sit there in stunned "is she fucking joking" silence before we all shared an uncomfortable laugh.
Them, because they can't understand my sense of humor.(and considerable tact given the completely insane unprofessional situation)
Me, because I was starry eyed, starting to fall in love a little bit with that plan.
But then I realized that's just the addiction talking. I think.
Y'know when I was gaining weight no one felt the need to voice any concerns, to my face at least. I guess people felt that would render them unaccepting or cruel or something or other. No, when I gained weight I was just blessed with the superpower of invisibility. (which was pretty amazing considering my size at the time)
I was so blissfully happy in my ignorance of other people's thoughts.
As far as superpowers are concerned, I'm cool with invisibility.
I've never, ever wanted to be a mind reader.
Whatever.
Soon I'll have my t-shirt, and a snazzy catch phrase. Obesity Survivor. I wonder what advice people will give me then! "Y'know being ironic on a t-shirt is sooo 1996"

But.... I .........nevermind......